Friday, 02 January 2009
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How To Not Let People Treat You Like Shit 101.
Lecturer: Lydia ChengAfter experiencing my random, frequent outburst of tears, Lyd was kind enough to accompany me to grab some bubble tea to hear my rant. She also suggested I bring a notepad and a pad so that she could run through an eye-opening, and surprisingly straightforward logical unit called How To Not Let People Treat You Like Shit 101.
One thing I learned about myself today was that, in previous relationships, I let my walls down way too fast - before I even knew the person well enough. I allowed myself to trust everyone, always thinking that everyone would be nice to me if I was nice to them. Reality check - there are so many... strange.... individuals out there that just don't work that way.. whether it be due to their own insecurities, lack of experience, etc. My mistake was in skipping the initial assessment, and so only after having become close to someone, only then would I begin to see many undesirable and upsetting qualities. Then I would try and work things through, in my mind, to try and oversee these qualities and give that person chance after chance after chance, to the expense of my own happiness. Most of the time nothing would be resolved, as the qualities are simply a part of their package they have to offer - simply a part of them. What else could I do, but accept them for who they are. That part hasn't always been easy, as I would, after many efforts of digging, fail to rationalise their behaviour towards me. I'VE GOT TO LEARN TO TOUGHEN UP, and where someone is nasty, don't question it and spend countless nights asking why. DEAL WITH IT - CUT THEM OUT.
It's all about CHOICES. If I made the simple choice of not allowing people to treat me like a doormat, I would've cut those nasty people out of my life and I wouldn't have become this annoying sensitive girl I am today. If I made the decision a long time ago to be CONFIDENT in myself - that I AM a great compassionate person with a kind heart and good intentions - then I would have not allowed all those cruel 'friends' to tread over me and I would have known that I deserved much better. If I made the choice to stand up for myself, to leave, rather than choose to ignore and forget the terrible things they did and said to me, I would be a much stronger, confident, and happier girl today. My choices moulded me into who I am today, and my careful choices beginning from today can and will make me the stronger, confident person I wish to be.
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I started reading a book I borrowed from Lyd. And it's made me realise that.. I think I've had enough of trying to analyse everyone's behaviours. For me, in order to find peace, I always wanted to really understand people's thoughts and actions; was my way of being able to accept someone. But now that I think about it, I never found any answers and if I did, they were simply answers which I assumed and knew would make me feel better. I think it's now time for me to let go of 'understanding' others. Of understanding why some of my 'friends' and other people treat me and others the way they do. Otherwise I'll be spending my whole lifetime searching for answers, and answers which are likely to be incomplete or not necessarily correct. My whole lifetime will be spent asking questions which have no definitive answer, and I'll be living an unfulfilled life. I don't want that - I want to live an enjoyable and carefree life! I don't want trivial matters dragging me down.
This book explains in the beginning that Western science and culture has conditioned society into believing that all behaviour can be accounted for. I have always believed that, thus my curiousity in understanding those around me. As I continued to read, I began to question whether that is necessarily the best approach in finding peace with others. The book made me realise that, we are all unique individuals with many differing and complex thoughts and thought processes. How can we then come to a definitive rationale behind people's behaviour when we are all.. different? How can we possibly know EVERY SINGLE thought and experience one has had through their whole life to come to a single 'answer' to their behaviour? We will never know everything, so we will never be able to have one definitive answer. Western culture, or science, is bounded by parameters which are meant to define their, ideas or facts. But surely, not all factors would be identified and considered in formulating this answer.
Everyone is different, so why should I, or we for that matter, even bother trying to understand? Why not make life much more easier, and just let them be. Just think, well.. that's the way it is and so be it. I think I prefer this approach. Acknowledging that we are all peculiar and colourful individuals who have many different factors influencing us and who we are, and because of this, it's simply a waste of time trying to de-code ones behaviour and find answers. It's so incredibly simple. Cut out the understanding and analysing part; just.. accept and be at peace with the thought that.... that's just how it is.
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Comments (20)
I agree that people are different, especially in regards to how we think, feel, and act. I've found in the past that those who mistreated me didn't even realize they were hurting me. I try to appreciate and accept people for who they are. If I can't tolerate their behavior, then I'll say something or disassociate myself from them.
hi! :D I totally agree with you! I totally understand where your coming from, and when i was reading this blog i felt like it was talking about me in a way. I do the same thing give chances and chances. But I realized in the past few months that the people i give chances to, don't really deserve it. If they keep messing up, we just need to cut them off. They won't change and they probably don't know that they are doing it (like you said.)
So I know for me, I've made a promise (not a resolution) to myself to cut off the people that are not worth having in my life. And to TRY to not trust people so easily, and let them earn my trust before i can really trust them. And to let go of the pain. We all live and learn.
Seriously, if there were a course to take that I can learn this type of stuff, I would soooo take it! :D
Props to you! And you deserve better people in your life that appreciate nice and sweet you are. :) I'm recommending this one as one to read. Seriously, I know a couple of people that can relate to this and would appreciate reading this. Thank you! Aloha! :)
@ChellyisEccentric - i think doing your own research and reading particular psych books would be interesting and useful! Thanks for your feedback and lovely comment! =)
I dunno how I found this, I think I was googling reasons friends are mean or something, but you're right. Life's all about the choices we make. I have to learn to forget about the people that haven't treated me right, even if I have spent a lot of time with them, and look for those who appreciate me for me. I will never understand my friends who, recently, all got angry at me after my boyfriend broke up with me, 3 times in a week (obviously I should get the hint by now eh?) even after he, a couple months ago, got drunk and choked me and shoved me. And now...I'm the bad person for being upset after he broke up with me and asking for at least one of my friends to give me some support. My "best friend" intervened in the break up, telling my ex the second time about conversations we'd had together and that he should break up with me because she could see we weren't happy. As if that's her decision to make anyway.
Now, unfortunately I've been living with my "best friend's" boyfriend while at college (i'll be graduated and free next week) and that has been awkward also b/c my best friend wants nothing to do with me now since she mentioned that she thought I never approved of her boyfriend. Some background, since we started college she's been attached at the hip to him and I'm sort of an afterthought in anything she does anymore. I've dealt with that b/c I still enjoyed spending time with her, well both of them b/c it was never just with her. But I've noticed he has a mean streak, especially when drunk. So I told her that while we were making up after her involving herself in my relationship, i gave her the benefit of the doubt b/c I hadn't been happy after the drunken fight with my ex. Then, she said that I've never supported her or her relationship and she didn't need people like that in her life. B/c yeah, I never supported her relationship or her boyfriend even though now I'm his roommate, um, what? I know people can't see things about the ones they love, but it proves she couldn't care less about me. It just hurts me b/c at the time I most needed a friend, she decides to ditch me. but I'm starting to realize she never was there for me very much anymore anyway. When i asked another friend to hang out she said she thought it was shitty I dragged my ex-best friend into the fight (when I didn't, she inserted herself in the break up thus dragging herself in). None of this is fair, and neither of them have been through a break-up so they don't know how difficult it is. But I will never forgive them for turning on me when i most needed support. I'm stronger now, but I've realized that people like them aren't worth having in my life. They just, were the people I most hung out with. And now they're all surrounding my ex and talking to him, but I have very few people talking to me.Despite having a break down or sorts, my mom has a bad temper and got mad at me one night over something so stupid as not watching a tv show with them. It has been a lonely time, haha no one's going to read this but it was very cathartic typing it out.
"Love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't,and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it would be easy, they just promised that it would be worth it."
@Carolyn - Hi Carolyn, thanks for your entry. I must say I admire you and your courage to share your experience with me, and others who read my xanga (rest assured i don't have that many followers =)
First of all, please accept my sincerest apology in the delay in my reply. I hope you didn't feel that I wasn't acknowledging your issue or dismissing it as though I don't care - I've just been super duper incredibly insanelyyyyyyy busy!
I'm curious to hear how you've recently been feeling and whether you've been successfully coping with the issue? Let me know whenever you're free, and if you're willing of course.
I can tell you that I've left behind many so-called 'friends', and I've honestly never been happier =) It all really came from the realization and firm belief of my own self worth and self-esteem. It took me a heck of a long time, but thanks to some wonderful people out there, I soon came to realise that I AM awesome, and that I deserve to be treated with loyalty and respect from my friends. That was definitely a catalyst for me and I started making active steps to pursue happiness =)
please help, just been let down again!!! badly by someone who iv known for years and now wants nothing to do with me!!! this keeps happening to me for no apparent reason!!! im a loving trusting caring person whom i will put myself out for anyone. i also go to extreme lengths to help if they have problems or need anything!! im just so upset as iv done nothing wrong and just cant see where im going wrong??? an why do people have to be so nasty and hurtful to those who have been there for them!! cant sleep or concentrate as im hurting so bad
hi my name is john. this article is absolutely right. people are constantly judging each other on a daily basis, based on what they perceive. its human nature. Just being confident within yourself, and knowing yourself will work wonders. sometimes you have to have that "i don't give a damm attitude" life is to short, to worry about people that make you feel toxic. forget about those people. if you have no choice, and have to be around those particular people, (ex. work, school, family)the best thing to do is take a deep breath, count from 10 to 1 slowly, and de-personalize yourself from that particular person. Yes, one must be respectful and professional to that toxic person, don't show that you are upset or angry, for this display of emotion will fuel the fire, but clear your mind and just block that person out as much as possible. Another word could be just ignore that particular person. Look, not everyone is going to be your friend, no matter how nice you are to other people. when one is in a unpleasant situation, the best thing to think about is the people that are nice to you and respect you, and people that you respect and like as a person. (ex. friends) But having CONFIDENCE within yourself, are extremely important. BE HAPPY within yourself. The toxic person, is basically not happy within themselves. ITS NOT YOU
going thru unpleasant and uncomfortable situations with people, is a good thing in the long run. It BUILDS you up. IT STRENGTHENS YOU. IT MAKES YOU A BETTER PERSON in the long run.
Try the strategies above, it works, i do it myself.
GOD BLESS
well people, ive always been kind to people , never asked 4 anything in return, helped people all my life, now im thinking whats the point, no one does anything for me, and it makes me mad in a way, because you dont even get a thankyou, i dont really no, the more you do 4 people the less thanks u get, family, friends etc, its an awful thing, oh i just dont know, it just gets me down alot
kevin
I agree with you totally. I have just recently cut a few people out of my life because of their behaviour towards me (it took me one year to realise this). They don't know why I am ignoring them, they don't even have a clue as to what they did wrong, its like they either suffer from amnesia or split-personality. There are times when do fall into that cycle of thinking why they treated me in that way, I was always nice and treated them fairly. But then I keep reminding myself that they are not worth it. I think I am getting better at ignoring them and will do what ever it takes to make sure I don't stand in the same room as them. I say good riddance to old rubbish. There is one valuable lesson I have learnt in the past year and that is not to trust people too easily. I am not going to try to move on with my life, I WILL move on with my life, thats what you need to tell yourself.
Hi there, i'm somewhere from Asia and as i'm reading your blog, I feel it's really quite similar to me.
it's a very hurting thing when we thought that friends are always with us, times spent together are wonderful and contribute so much to the friendship but the fact is it's just another day passed for them (just for them to kill time, in fact, with or without you, they don't really care) Once the trust is betrayed again and again...our natural good will start to waver. We start to trust people lesser & lesser, selfishness arise and we start to believe a saying "we only live for ourselves".
In fact as we start to behave this way, we only become more and more unattractive to people around us, they find it difficult to understand us thus real friendship could hardly develop. I'm personally quite a sensitive person who always bother myself with why people react in certain ways, why they're always treating me like crap when i tried to be nice...but the fact is if they don't cherish me & can do with or without me, most probably they'll always do.
But i also realised there're many, many different types of people out there who still can be friends with when we are just being ourselves and let things be natural. I realised when I care too much that's when i'll feel myself getting hurt but maybe in cases, some people may either do it in purpose (hurting us), but there're also some who just don't mean it this way.
All in all i believe they just want a friend who has their own lifestyle, own activities, instead of just focus too much on people or friends around them. Sadly to say (yet so true) i realise, once they come to realise that we can also do with or without them or when their friends are getting lesser, that's when they'll start to respect me as an individual, a real friend.
For myself, I'm not afraid to admit that i don't really have much friends, but i find that quantity is really nothing compared to quality. We can spend alot of time being with a certain friend whom we find really "click" but others may not think it this way. I rather have just 1 or 2 friends who're sincerely good to me, accept me the way i am, no criticism, no pretense (or trying to make a good impression every now and then), than 100 friends whom can always hang out together but they can just do with or without me.
So true. I have always been bothered by the statement "people treat you badly because you let them." Only partially true. If you don't let them treat you badly, they cut out, disappear, and find someone they can treat badly. Good idea, not to keep overanalyzing people to figure out why they treat you badly. If they do, run. Duhhh...it took me a long time to learn this and mucho expensive counselors. Who cares why they treat you badly? Your understanding them helps nothing but to keep you tied up with a person not likely to change because you are so understanding. You're only trying to understand them because you can't stand the idea of someone not loving you. Plenty of people are incapable. Plenty of people won't or can't love anybody. Don't waste your life, like I did.
@Debbie Scott - yeah. i believe most ppl face this problem regardless friendship or relationship. Someone once told me treating a person good is like giving a gift on our part, they can either accept or reject it and we shouldn't be bothered by it. But what if...no matter what you do, they keep refuse it and continue to be ignorant of it? One of the silliest thing i realised...is thinking am always a part of something, in the end to find that.............. am just being an outsider.
I thought this would be a cool site when I came across this conversation. Why does Xanga want to dump you right to facebook or did I misunderstand? Anyway, I guess I needed to read some of these comments. I keep giving my friendship to people who take advantage of it. The only thing that seems to work is to be sort of rude and short. For some reason when I do that people crawl all over for me, but I'm really not like that, don't want my friends like that, and certainly don't want a girlfriend like that. Why is the world that way? I can't figure out if it's that people are so shallow that it's all over looks. I hate sounding arrogant, but I'm probably better than average looking and though I'm 37, I look about 27. I used to be really into lifting weights so I guess maybe people think because I'm a biggger guy still now that I'm cocky or conceited, maybe a meathead? And I swear I'm exactly the opposite! Can anyone tell me is that why people are this way to me? I would love some opinions from anyone who would be honest about it?
@honestlyomaha - because
they're jealous! I think you're on to something. Others will call us
conceited, but so be it. I am 38 and often told I'm good looking (I was a model years ago).
Honestly, I know I get judged by other women. When someone gets served
in front of me, the attendant is exceptionally polite.
Then, I get served and looked at like I'm shit. And I get treated by
other women I meet in general. And quite frankly, they're usually fat.
If some get to know me, then they're usually fine, but now I generally have a lower opinion of my fellow females because of it and I simply laugh at
insecure women. I've had guys I know hit on me and have given the firm,
but polite no. Then I get the backlash from (rightfully) insecure ladies. As I
say to these ones who are constantly paranoid about their boyfriend
cheating; if you're worried, then 9 times out of 10 you're right to
worry! Today, I just gave a friend of mine a text equivalent of a boot
up the bum for not confirming about whether she wanted to meet up.
Normally, I would let it slide. This, most would say is out of
character, and then she was very apologetic and all over me. So, it
does pay to be rude and short, and then you won't get taken advantage
of. I don't particularly want to be like that with people, but shit,
I've had enough now. I often feel judged and put down, so now I think
I'll give people the treatment they expect (and deserve) and hopefully
I'll be less disappointed in future.
I agree with your article...being on Facebook has taught me alot about my old high school friends....back in the days we were kids and didnt know any difference but now we re older...and have change....i had to omit two old friends because they lack the respect for me. it hurt but i knew it was the right thing to do..to let go...i was like you said analytically about everything...reasoning with all things and why ...i just said who cares why they re not worth your time or feelings...let it go...it was hard but i knew i deserve better....time to move on and make new friends and see which of them are treating you like you want to be treat. respect...boundaries....love.
thanks for sharing your story. GinaI grew up in a Narcissist family where I was the scapegoat child, I had no value beyond serving my other siblings or family to my Parents. I was abused and punished constantly I wasn't even allowed to have friends and they still gang up on me and cause impressions to everyone that comes near them that I'm worthless for some invisible reason (a rabbit being raised by lions I was their food not one of them). That's how I was raised to not be of value unless I'm doing for others. It's called co-dependency/people pleaser/covert Narcissist a lot of names meaning similar things. I didn't realize my people pleasing issues was a sign of co-dependency I only heard that word being use for alcoholics and drug users and I was never one of either. My co-dependency is only towards bonds and relationships, I don't have any family support or friends. So I tend to be stuck in situations where I cannot break off ties with people who mistreat me, so I take crap just to not be lonely or isolated. Also since I have these tendencies I seem to attach more Narcissistic people to me because I tolerate their me me attitude because I was thought to be selfless. Anyway I was just saying you should all look into co-dependency as maybe a factor. I also do a lot of the things or have the patterns expressed by the writer. I'm now married to a Narcissist and I'm living an invisible life, in words and thinking I know it's not right but I keep putting myself in situations where I take the backseat.
I can so relate to these articles. Especially last post of the gal that was raised to serve others and put her interests last, others first. I was raised the same way and it has caused problems almost my entire life until I hit my 30's and started putting it all together. I agree w/poster to look up co-dependency. Establish strong personal boundaries of what behavior you will accept and what you won't, and stick to it. Once you've rid yourself of a few "toxics" it gets easier. Once you've learned to navigate around the undesirables, it gets easier. You really do have to learn how to deal with these types of people, by that I mean, have a plan when you meet these types, and "x" happens and how you will respond and whether you open the door or not. When you see the signs, don't open the door, slam it shut!
I have been so heartbroken by people I have given up on love. I have my cat and i will always have some cat or animal. I really can live without people loving me because they never did to start with.